The Disclosure
by JJRey76
Summary: No Noah, Jesse, Billie, or Frannie in this fic. I DO NOT OWN SVU OR THE CHARACTERS, I JUST LOVE THEM OKAY? Please enjoy, and let me know what you think. Rolivia - though I'm not sure yet to what extent. TRIGGER WARNING FOR RAPE AND/OR ASSAULT of course I want everyone to read but if that upsets you PLEASE DO NOT READ
1. The Bar

_You have got to be kidding me._

Olivia thought to herself.

_She's worth way more than that._

After a particularly grueling court case, about which each and every squad member argued fiercely to what the outcome should be, everyone was in dire need of a night out. It was Fin who had suggested going out and getting a few drinks to lighten the mood (as hard as he played sometimes, he hated seeing his team members argue the way they had). Carisi had agreed immediately, needing to drown out his Catholic guilt, and Amanda just needed a distraction. Olivia had at first hesitated. She had to admit, some of the arguing between Amanda and herself had gotten quite emotional, the two of them coming close to a knock down drag out, although there was compassion there that a bystander might not have seen between the two women. But in the end, it hadn't taken much begging to get her to relent.

So there they were, sitting in the closest bar they could find to the courthouse, drowning sorrows and lightening the mood some with some typical banter seen amongst the 1-6. It was Amanda's turn to buy rounds, so she was the only one not seated, but instead standing at the bar waiting for a pitcher of beer and four shots (that girl loved her shots).

Olivia was not proud of herself in the least for the amount of staring (ogling, rather) she had been doing in the blondes direction that night, but something had happened. She opened up more to Amanda in that holding room then she had to anyone, and Amanda had done the same. Something had shifted between the two.

As she watched Amanda at the bar, intent on making her way over to the blonde to assist her with the drinks, she saw a man staring. Not at her, but at Amanda. She knew that stare. It was a hungry stare, one she had felt lingering on herself more times than not. She watched as he made his way over to where Amanda had been standing and stood just behind the small blonde, hiding his face from Olivia, by leaning forward to whisper something. The look on Amanda's face told her all she needed to know about what he might've said but before she could make her way to the bar and intervene, the man put both hands on the slender hips trapped between him and the wooden bar and pulled her against him.

"Back off! I'm not going to say it again!" she heard Amanda shout, anger evident in her voice, but also a bit of fear. Olivia grabbed the man by the shoulders and pulled him away from her detective, her hands we're shaking so badly, she was surprised she was able to hang on long enough to actually separate him from the blonde. She looked at Amanda for brief confirmation that she was okay, and then turned her attention back to the man who had tripped into a neighboring table, knocking over several beers, and pissing off several patrons in the process.

Watching the scene unfold, Olivia decided to let the men encroaching on the jerk do what she wanted so badly to and just pull Amanda away from the scene.

By the time she had pulled a silent Amanda to the front of the bar where she could really check on her, Fin and Carisi were on their heels asking questions.

"What just happened?"

"Are you two okay?"

"Did he hurt you?"

Amanda, not being able to get a word in edgewise just looked to Olivia. Her eyes pleading with her to shut them up and make them go away.

"Hey, hey tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum shut up will you? I think it's about time to shut down our party anyway, could you guys close out the bill for Amanda? I think I'm going to get her home." She looked to Amanda then and received a small nod off assent. Grabbing their jackets and bags she turned to look at Fin who gave her a nod, letting her know he'd check in later.

As the two women stepped out of the bar Olivia finally got a good look at her blonde counterpart. She was ashen, her skin taking on a much more pale appearance then usual. Her arms were crossed over her chest and she had a glassy look in her eyes. For a moment they just walked in silence, Olivia who would've preferred to get a taxi resigned herself to walking for a while, assuming Amanda needed it. Neither of them had drank particularly much that evening, but emotions were high and now they are both full of anxious adrenaline.

*

After several blocks of silence and side ways looks from Olivia, she finally spoke.

"Do you want to share a cab?" Amanda asked tentatively, chancing a glance at her boss who had been silent since they left the bar she didn't know how long ago.

"Well, actually I was going to ask if you wanted to come to my apartment." She replied, looking to the blonde before continuing. "I have to admit, I'm feeling a little overprotective at the moment. After everything that happened today between us and then that man at the bar tonight…" she shuddered thinking about watching him put his hands on Amanda as if she was some kind of object he could claim if he wanted. And he wanted. "It was just a suggestion, I know you probably just want to go home. If you want to share a cab, we will do that."

"Wait Liv." Amanda said reaching out to grab ahold of Olivia's arm.


	2. Utter Terror

Once in the safety and warmth of her superiors apartment, she hesitantly slid her arms from her jacket and deposited her bag on the floor near the door but made no move to enter any further. It was always a bit strange for her, each time she was in her lieutenants apartment she felt very out of place. She felt as if she was invading her privacy some how, even though she was invited.

At the courthouse earlier that day things had gotten heated to say the least. She had been thinking about everything Olivia had said in that room since, the words repeating on an endless loop. Utter Terror. That's what she had called it.

"Amanda?"

"Hmm? What? I'm sorry I was just in my own head I guess." She said, hanging her jacket on a hook near the door, a faint blush creeping up her neck at being caught so deep in thought.

"I asked if you wanted something to drink? I've got just about everything in the fridge. And coffee if that's what you'd rather have." Olivia asked from the kitchen, her words slowing when she took in the blondes body language. She looked very uncomfortable. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah I'm fine." Amanda shrugged her shoulders.

"I'm sorry about what happened at the bar, I should've just went up with you and it might not have happened." Olivia said, thinking she might still be shaken up.

"What? No, I mean… yeah that had me pretty shaken if I'm honest, I hate guys like that." Finally she sat on the sofa. "Actually yeah, I'll take a beer if you've got it?" she asked hopefully.

Moving a few things side, Olivia located a bottle of beer, retrieved a bottle opener from the drawer and opened the beer, she thought better of replacing the bottle opener in the drawer and grabbed a beer for herself before heading into the living room to join Amanda.

"Thanks." Amanda said, taking a long swig of the brown liquid sloshing around in the glass bottle.

"So if it's not what happened at the bar, what's on your mind? You've got me a little worried here, you sort of look like you're going to get up and run out the door."

She gave a small chuckle at the mental image that conjured up. It did sound pretty close to the way she felt. "I'm not going to run Liv."

"So? What's going on?" Olivia asked, getting comfortable on the opposite end of the sofa, pulling her legs up to her chest.

"Okay, so today you said something, while we were arguing. And I can't get it out of my head." She couldn't look at Olivia, she couldn't see the amazingly strong, beautiful, intelligent woman who she looked up to and imagine the pain that she kept inside away from everyone else.

"We both said a lot today Amanda it isn't-"

"No Liv, this isn't about me." She said, picking anxiously at the label on the bottle in her hands.

"Then, what's it about?" Olivia was nervous now. She was used to going into conversations like this with the facts, but now she knew that she was working blind.

"It's just what you said. It made me think about how much you needed someone to be there for you after Lewis, and how there's more to what happened than what we all know. And I just want you to know that I'm sorry for not being that person for you. I'm really, really sorry Liv." She changed a look at Olivia and realized the brunette had stopped breathing, and that she had frozen to her spot on the sofa. "Liv?"

There were tears in the brown orbs staring back at her in disbelief. She looked as if she had just been smacked across the face.

"What? Why? I mean…" Olivia shook her head causing the over flow of tears to make tracks down her face.

"Shit, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it like that."

After a few moments of silence and an occasional sniffle, Olivia finally spoke up.

"Why would you say that?" she asked wiping away a few stray tears, composing herself.

"What you said in the witness room, about 'utter terror'. You talked about some of the things you felt for those days he had you."

Standing abruptly from the sofa, Olivia looked at Amanda with such fear. Someone is actually asking questions. "I need a minute." She said and disappeared down the hall way to her bedroom leaving a stunned and apologetic Amanda.

*

Shutting the bedroom door behind her, louder than she had intended, she pressed her back against the wood, rubbing her hand against the grain hoping to ground herself before a flashback ensued. Sliding down the door, to sit on the floor she wracked her brain for the memory of what it was she had told Amanda exactly. It seemed as if she had exposed one of the secrets she had planned to take to the grave. Only one other person (alive that is) knew even a fraction of the truth.

_What did you _say

_What did you say_

_What did you say_

It was almost like a mantra she was repeating in her head in order to conjure up the memory of divulging her secret to the woman she had been secretly crazy about for the last few years. And then suddenly it came back to her.

_"You have no idea what utter terror is, what pure and utter terror is. You know, they say your heart beats faster, but that's not true, it doesn't._

_It__ stops__, everything stops. You don't breathe because you're scared that it might upset him._

_And__ if you get a cramp in your foot, you tell yourself '_**just let it throb**_', because you can live through that pain and it's a hell of a lot better than what, what he'll do to you._

_And__ the pain is so complete and it's so, so overwhelming you could go without food for three days._

_And you don't close your eyes because you're scared that you'll never open them again._

And_ then, you pray,_

**you pray,**

_please__ God don't let him climb on top of me again." _

Her own words came flooding back to her with a wave of fear and nausea causing the room to tilt and fold in on itself, all of the oxygen being sucked out of the room and leaving her stuck in a vacuum that was crushing her body from the inside out. She was sure that she was dying.

It had been so long since she had given that monster a thought, but today, she had felt a duty to help a woman she could only imagine shared a similar fear with her. The fear of being killed, the fear of being raped, again, and the fear of having someone know just how weak you are.

She sat there on her bedroom floor slumped against the door, trying not to let the darkness consume her, trying with everything she had to live, to just continue breathing.


	3. Trust

After a while, Amanda was unable to sit in the living room of Olivia's apartment, she'd tried to give the brunette the space she knew she needed and wasn't sure if an intrusion would be accepted after having such a bombshell of a secret brought into the light after years of silence on Olivia's part. So she made her way down the hallway to the lieutenants bedroom. Of course, the door was locked, but at least she could hear the breathing of the dark haired woman.

She could imagine the torment her boss was facing, knowing that someone else was in on the personal facts shared between herself and a dead man; Amanda could only wish her assailant was dead. Charles Patton was, unfortunately, very much alive.

She did know what terror, utter terror, was. Patton terrorized her on a daily basis in Atlanta. She knew the pain Olivia was feeling, she knew all too well. As she sat on the floor, on the hallway side of the door, she thought once more about Olivia's monologue in the witness room.

_"...And then, you pray, _**you pray,**_ please God don't let him climb on top of me again_."

She did know terror.

Swallowing the bile that was rising up the back of her throat, it was time to check on Liv, her own hall of horrors could wait.

"Liv?" she called out from her side of the door. The crying had slowed from the bedroom to an occasional sniffle, but there was no response. "Liv, I'm here, can I come in?" instead of a verbal response, there was the sound of a lock being turned, and the door opened just a hair.

Amanda stood, and took a breath, she wasn't sure what would happen, if Olivia would talk to her at all, but she would be damned if she allowed her to suffer alone with this any longer. She knew the truth now, and the was no going back from that.

The bedroom was dark, no lights, save for the glow of an alarm clock sitting on a table next to the bed. When Amanda's eyes adjusted to the change in light, she could see Olivia sitting on the floor just to the left of the doorway, knees bent up to her chest with her arms wrapped around her shins, holding them tight to her body, as if it was a shield.

"Hey." Amanda said softly, positioning herself on the floor with her back against the bed, across from the brunette. For a while she just looked at her. The beautiful brown eyes that Amanda had been enamored with since before her transfer to Atlanta had been replaced with sad hollow eyes rimmed in red, patchy skin. It made her heart ache with such sadness, so much regret for missed opportunities. How many times had Olivia needed someone to share her pain with? How many times had she been sitting, just as she is now, begging for help? She couldn't help but feel that the "accidental confession" had been waiting until it could come out into the light, just biding it's time until the right moment.

"I'm sorry Amanda." Came a sudden small voice. It didn't sound like Olivia, but it came from her.

"Why would you be sorry?" she asked quietly, confused by the apology.

"I ran. I hid from you like a coward. I locked myself in my bedroom like a petulant teenager. I was just…"

"You were blindsided, I know, but I'm the one who should be sorry. I should've found a different way to bring it up." Her heart was breaking, if she thought about it, putting herself in Olivia's shoes, she would have probably reacted the same way, or worse. "You have nothing to apologize for Liv, nothing."

Olivia looked at her then, really looked _at_ her, instead of through her as if she was some mirage her mind created as a comfort. She was actually sitting in front of her, flesh and bone and blood and a beating heart, close enough to reach out and touch. "I am sorry. I should've told you. You and I are close enough now that I should trust you with this. You trusted me."

There was silence again between the two women, contemplation heavy in the air. Something had to be said about Amanda's patience, she didn't push, she simply waited for Olivia to be ready to share her story.

Taking a deep, shuttering breath Olivia began.

"William Lewis raped me."


	4. Clarity

Hey guys!!! I'm super thankful for the support I'm getting on this story! It's great. I really appreciate it. I'd also like to apologize for the delay, I've been moving and dealing with my s/o and their upcoming surgery! (Stress, stress, stress)

I realize though, that I've forgotten to add trigger warnings so here they are:

_**Possible triggers for rape and/or assault if you can't read that sort of thing then please do not read. **_

As always, leave your thoughts or suggestions or questions in the reviews!!!

_**"William Lewis raped me."**_

The disclosure hung heavy between the two like a fog of dread.

Amanda's head spun; even though she knew what Olivia would say, the words still slammed into her like a truck. Her vision blurred with the tears that sprung to her eyes. "Liv…" she whispered into the space that separated them. To her surprise, Olivia laughed. "Are you okay?"

It took a moment for Olivia to answer and even then she didn't have much to say.

"I'm sorry, I'm not, it's not funny, it's just…" her voice trailed off as the tears forced their way up and the sobs came forth in bursts.

Amanda's heart was breaking with the sight of Olivia sitting on her bedroom floor, fighting for the breath that her own sadness had stolen from her. The agony etched on her face in hard lines and tear streaks, her hand on her chest as if trying to keep her pounding heart inside her body. Without thinking, Amanda scooted across the floor to sit next to Olivia, she wasn't sure if she'd allow it, but she felt as if she needed to hold her. With a tentative hand on a shaking shoulder, she got closer, but before she could make another move Olivia collapsed into her arms, holding tightly to the back of her shirt. "Oh Liv, I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry I didn't ask sooner. I'm sorry I didn't try to help you. I'm so sorry." Her own tears made their way down her face as she held Olivia back, a hand behind the head of chestnut locks and the other wrapped around her shoulders, holding her against her own body.

Had this been a less heartbreaking exchange, Amanda would have a mind full of inappropriate thoughts at the closeness of the two; the way Olivia held onto her as if she were the last life jacket on a sinking ship would've sent her over board. But this was not about sex, it was not about the curves she'd wanted to touch and memorize, it wasn't about the fullness of her lips or the way her eyes danced when she found something funny. No, this was about comfort and nothing else. It was about helping the woman she was so madly in love with away from the edge and holding her up, it was about proving the words she had spoken earlier that day. _"I love you."_

*

Olivia lay, silent now, with her head in Amanda's lap, her long thin fingers running through her chesnut hair. Her tears were dry but she felt so empty. It was strange, she had lived for years in a half-way decent state of mind without anyone knowing the truth about what had happened with William Lewis, but now that Amanda knew she felt as if something had been ripped out of her.

This woman who she had very nearly hated upon their first meeting was the only person she had confided in. Granted, a lot had changed between them in the last few years, they had become close, friends even.

After a while, she lifted her head and looked into the crystal blue eyes staring down at her, and in that moment clarity came rushing over her like a tidal wave of truth.

She reached up and touched the porcelain skin of Amanda's face, it was smooth and warm, still a little damp from the tears earlier. This woman was beautiful, stunning really. Sure, she knew she had some strong feelings for the blonde but in that moment looking into her eyes, it became clear that she had never really looked at her. There was a small almost unnoticeable scar hidden beneath the hair of her left eyebrow that she had never noticed before, and a spattering of freckles that danced along her hair line. She could see so much going on behind the blue of Amanda's eyes, so much love, compassion, and concern shining through. But the way Amanda looked at her didn't make her feel like a victim, it made her feel safe, and safety was a hard thing to come by.

"I love you too, you know." Olivia said quietly, her fingers running over the line of Amanda's jaw.

"What?" Amanda asked, almost in disbelief. What kind of love? She wondered.

"You told me earlier that you loved me, and I didn't say it back. I'm saying it now. I love you Amanda Rollins." She moved into a sitting position, looking squarely at Amanda, trying her best to express the emotions that were now bubbling in her chest. "I love you because you're smart, and kind and compassionate. And your heart is entirely too big for your tiny body." She smiled when Amanda let out a small laugh. "And I love you because you're real, and true and honest. You know what you want, and even though you don't always get it, you still keep your head on your shoulders. I love you because you've had the strength to overcome so much and you're still standing and whether you know it or not I look up to you because of that. You are an incredible woman Amanda, and I, I'm, well… I think I'm in love with you." She took the smaller woman's hands in her own and brought them to her lips, gently kissing the palm of each one before looking back into the blue eyes in front of her.

Amanda's mouth was open slightly as if looking for words she just could not find. Olivia, the woman she had been head over heels for since before she moved to New York City had just covered her feelings to her. She loved her, she was _in love with **her**._ The air felt as if it was water, her lungs were fighting to fill themselves and all she could to was stare.

"I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have told you that. I'm sorry " Olivia said, releasing Amanda's hands from her grasp, her heart sinking.

"No, no, no wait Liv. I'm sorry it's just, I'm surprised is all." Taking Olivia's hands back in her own, she spoke again. It's now or never. "I feel the same way about you. I have for a very, very long time. You are the most incredibly strong woman I have ever known and I can't believe you feel the same way about me. I've long since decided that you never would, and I would have to settle for just having you in my life." The two of them sat silently for a moment before the quiet became too much and Olivia took a chance.

The kiss started out slow and sweet, but it didn't take long before it was heated and passionate. Olivia was straddling Amanda's legs, her hands tangled in golden locks while Amanda held tight to Olivia's hips, finally being able to feel the curves she'd admired for years.

Olivia, always being the voice of reason was the first to pull away. "We shouldn't go to far. We've both been upset, and I don't want you to think I just want this because I told you something personal, or I just need sex to feel better. I want to show you it has nothing to do with any of that. So, I think, we should, go slow." She spaced out her words for two reasons; to punctuate her point, and to catch the breath that Amanda had stolen.


	5. UPDATE DELAY

Hey all!!! I just want tell any who are looking for updates or run across my fics,

**THEY ARE NOT ABANDONED.**

Life has thrown me some interesting surprises lately. For one, I am pregnant!!! As excited as I am, I can no seem for the life of me write a coherent sentence, but believe me , I've been trying. If by the grace of God I get something out that makes sense, I'll post it! For now though, I'll be silent, sorry.


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